Aren't You Over It Yet?

As stated in my last post, I've been "no contact" or "NC" for over 15 years, so it's more than reasonable to wonder why I'm not over it yet. Basically there are 2 general reasons:

1) As with most families, relationships between members are varied. My mother is still in contact with one of my siblings and I know she is aware of how my family has changed and grown over the years, even though we are no longer in direct contact. I have no control over other people and what information they pass on, so I have heard that she would "love" to be a part of my life. My mother always uses other people's good (although misguided) intentions to her advantage. I know what comes with having her as a part of my life and it's systematic poisoning of the emotional well. As a parent and spouse, I have an obligation to my family to protect them from relationships that are emotionally destructive. I maintain NC, because it is necessary. Still, there is a part of me that hates having to do it. It is NOT an easy decision to make and there is a large part of me that still resents the fact that I've been forced into making that decision. It was my mother that behaved inappropriately, not me. The leftover angst and resentment, plus the fact that she still finds a way to insert herself into my life means, I am unable to fully get over it. It's a constant state of "threat down".

And,

2) I am a parent. Being the offspring of a parent with BPD, means that you have not had a great role model as far as parenting is concerned. Although my father was present in the home, for the majority of my childhood, I feel as if he was a prisoner of war. In many ways I wonder if he didn't exhibit equal parts rebel and victim of "Stockholm Syndrome". There were times when he would fight tooth and nail with her yet there were other times that he would fall prey to the wild imaginings that somehow became truths in my mother's mind. He failed in his duty of care and allowed my mother's personality disorder to rule the household and govern the parenting style. Sadly, there were times when we, the children would feel we had to defend him. We were the parents, the pawns and the slaves to their dysfunctional role modelling. Now, I worry about how I parent my own children. I second guess myself and have to work through things and re-evaluate constantly, so that I don't allow my mother's BPD parenting style to seep through into another generation. I am never fully over it, because I remain vigilant that I don't make the same mistakes.

In the coming posts, it will become more evident as to why I feel the pressure to be extra vigilant and why that vigilance means that I cannot fully put the past behind me. However, you should not be fooled into thinking that it means that I live a half life of misery with nothing but resentment and negativity. Honestly, it is because I have been able to chart my own adult life that I'm even strong enough to dissect the past and openly admit what it was---with all of the unhappiness included. I believe there is happiness to be found in life and in relationships, that is why I am writing this blog.