Why, Suddenly, Write About It?

Why write this blog at all? :

Different people handle things differently.  In my case, I have found that writing has allowed me to have the "voice" I never felt I was allowed to have. 

The need for protection:

I am writing under a pseudonym (Pygmalion), because I want to protect my family (my husband and children) and also protect myself from members of my family who would not be pleased that I am writing this blog. Believe me when I write that I am NOT happy that I feel the need to write under a pseudonym. I truly wish that the state of my relationships allowed and even gave room for my thoughts, memories and emotions; clearly they do not!

In regards to my siblings and I, a leftover from our childhood remains the idea that any feelings we may have as a result of our upbringing are "in the past".  In other words, "suck it up".  In a strange move which I do not understand, pain from childhood is a character flaw that should not be indulged.  I am as you may have guessed, "the weakest link".  The fact that I want to discuss the past and deal with it honestly and openly has caused an enormous amount of tension between my siblings and I.  But like all good children of a borderline parent, we allow it to be an unspoken brick wall between us.  The more I try to encourage open dialogue, the more I'm considered as desperate and needy. 

My only other concern is my borderline parent.  I went NC (no contact) more than 15 years ago.  However, through the family grapevine I know that not much has changed in regards to my mother's behaviour.  She is tech savvy enough to be on the internet and she is vindictive enough to start any and all attacks on my character should she feel threatened.  Again, let me state that this isn't about why she sucked, but rather, what I experienced and how I've dealt with it.

What you can expect from this blog:

I could write this blog as a stream of consciousness that flits and flutters wherever it may, but I am not built that way.  So, my plan is to start with: 1) What I know about my mother, 2) What my childhood was like, 3) What I was like before understanding what was wrong with my childhood,  4) Where I first heard the words "Borderline Personality Disorder" and how my investigations into it began, and finally 5) Where I am now and onward.

I'll also include various exercises that I am working on as I work my way through the book, "Surviving A Borderline Parent: How To Heal Your Childhood Wounds & Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem"  by Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman Ph.D., LCSW, in an effort to give some tangible insights into this process. 

Disclaimer:

I am writing strictly from my point of view with possible insights into what others were thinking, feeling, doing at various times throughout my childhood.  I am not writing as an omniscient who knows all and imparts wisdom on the less enlightened.  I am writing from "the trenches".  I've been there and some days I still feel as if I'm down there.